Sometimes I wonder if I want to say Hypno.
I want to sleep....I think....
You see, I'm a lucid dreamer. Hi, it happens. I know I'm asleep most of the time I dream. Sometimes I don't know but regardless my dreams feel like they go on and on for hours, ages, years. I can sleep while asleep and wake up in my dreams the next day.
Sometimes, between intervals, I wake up, look around me, find that the day will be dull and monotone. So I head back to sleep. Finding that you have the ability to continue living in a fantasy is dangerous.
Since that episode I had in San Fran where I wouldn't go to school, wouldn't get out of bed, would really do nothing but sleep for almost a whole week, sleep is something kinda funny to me.
I can go on for days without sleeping only to realize I'm waking up from passing out of exhaustion.
And then, sometimes, I sleep. I sleep for hours, I can sleep for days and continue a strang of one dream, elongate it as much as I please. Liv ein my little fantasy world and tighten or loosen my control over my surroundings as I please.
Only when I loosen my hold for too long do I find myself fully awake, fully rested, and completely unsatisfied. But mostly frustrated. And long hours spent spinning up a wonderful or dreadful story turns to nothing but mush and blended blurred imges in my head.
But sometimes, most of the time, I tend to remember things in perfect vivid colour details.
So, point being, there's a chance I can't sleep because I'm afraid of it. Of getting...stuck. Getting stuck for that week was hell. Good hell. The kind of hell where you get to do anything you want and have no cares or worries.
The kind of hell this 'god' thing describes is NOTHING like true hell.
True hell is lovely, beautifulm tantalising and teasing. It can be sexual, but mostly it's based on ego. And my ego screams swords and fights, dragons, battles, cavalry, ho!
Aaaaaand sometimes I have odd dreams that I know are prophetic, that are answers to questions I've already forgotten I've asked. Or foretellings in images of what is to come in my life or a close one's life.
Maybe, though....I have a serious problem. Sleeping just is not easy. I find myself tired a lot, but unable to sleep. Or tired and sleepy but trying desperately to stay awake.
And then the first wind kicks in. Then the second. And third.
I usually sleep with a razopan or two. Pills put me right into dreamless slumber. But relying on pills sucks.
Yeah...so I haven't slept in two days. Maybe 3-4 hours at some point... But I can't remember anymore.
Memory lapses are part of not sleeping. Your brain feels heavier, you get slower. It's like being tipsy or high, but it's just your body feeling completely unhealthy.
It's what machines must feel like right before they run out of battery.
It's weird but...I feel more...awake when I don't sleep for days. I can't really TALK to people, or interact well with others. But when it comes to writting and talking to people on IM or some such while I'm under the influence of no sleep gettings for daysssssss, I feel like I can take over the world.
Yeah. It's all a lie. I can't really do that. And I'm no cleverer than I was 42 hours ago when I was semi well rested. In fact, I might be a bit clumsier with everything.
But that's why I compare it to being tipsy.
......I started writing in hopes I'd bore myself to sleep at the very least. Or find some conclussion that would make me nod at the screen, smile my half hearted smile, and head to bed in peace.
Obviously, when very sleepy, you tend to day dream more.
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