Cure-All

Tuesday July 14, 2008


So I found a way to cope with my depression about my past and work stress and life in general.

It's not the best way and I feel like I've fallen into the pit of a cliche.

But it makes me smile. And that I can come into work and just want to hug people and tell them I like them regardless how much they make me feel like shit is awesome.

Because it reverts me to the person I was before I left my island, because it makes me smile when there's nothing to smile about, because it helps me concentrate and internalize without getting upset and wanting to cut my tongue out and seal my eyes.


Maybe someday I'll get over this wretched rut I'm in right now. But for now, I've found my cure-all.

And I have amazing friends. I'm sad that Will is thinking/going to move to New York soon. But I'm not sure what sort of sad it is. I'm not sure what I should do. If anything at all....

I told Noah I was still in love with Will. It's been a somber day since we had that conversation last night. But I think we can work through it. I just need some time to think. The way I love and live with Noah is the way I would ideally want to spend the rest of my life with someone living my life and loving someone. Forever.

But that is not and does not take away from the fact that I'm still in love with Will. And it's not fair to Noah and it is not fair to me. That leaves me three options. Or four if I want to just not change anything....

All-in-all I need time to think, and possibly talk with my friends about it since I'm stuck. I've been trying to just keep it low profile and not tell a soul in the world what my REAL thoughts are, just to keep everyone comfortable. But I dislike the floating around in a vague pretense of truth. It's like dancing on the edge of lying.

I don't know what I should do. I don't know what I feel or how or why. Well I do but I don't know what it means. I haven't had time to sit down and ask myself what it measn. So far I've been living behind the vague smoke of lies I've been telling my friends. Well, lies isn't the accurate term for what I've done. I have never lied to my friends. But I've definitely not been completely and utterly honest with them. Not at all.

I know everything will be OK in the end. But.... That doesn't mean that people aren't going to get hurt. And regardless the choice I make, I'm going to be in a world of pain.

So I'll tuck my cure-all in my pocket, and hope it works when my heart implodes.


I might not work tomorrow. I think I heard Gary saying something about Ed coming in. But I'm not sure if that means that Jordan has the day off or if I'm getting my ass canned.

Regardless, I'm completely over the fact that the management here blows and the owner only keeps me around because he likes to daydream about blackmailing me for my job and asking for sex in return for keeping my job. Morally incorrect. I feel disgusted by it. But sadly I'm tied to this place till I find a higher paying job with the hours that'll be ok to keep me sane and in school.

At least now I'm trudging at a much quicker pace. I don't feel like I'm sitting in a stagnant pool of my own dreams and piss. But life is not getting any easier. My skin is just becoming tougher to the blows freely received by life and all that it pertains.

I miss my family and my friends in Puerto Rico. I won't be seeing any of them till next year. But that's ok, there's a lot of stuff that needs to get taken care of here. And I've grown to be a woman with no fears. I'm not about to run away from this situation just because it is difficult and exhausting. Emotionally and physically.

Well the effects of the cure-all are wearing down. So soon I'll have to revert to cigarettes and numbing my mind to the outside world in such a way that the only thing that matters right now is work.

Everything will be OK. It always is.

I just have to remember I'm a tough girl. i can take some abuse. I always have. I don't expect life to soften any punches. If anything, I only expect them to get more painful.