Why am I not sleepy?

Excerpts from Visual interactions.

You know, I think I know why I've been so depressed lately.

I mean, other than missing CA, all my friends and family there. But also, I like getting nober a lot. And I like doing art, writing, painting, making shit, adventures, etc.

When I was in CA I had a job. Two jobs, actually. And I'd spend a lot of time working.

Part of my off time was spent with friends at home doing all of the above or playing video games.

Back then, with having two jobs, I didn't quite have a lot of it. So when it happened, it was special. Off days were some sort of magical.

But now, everyday is an off day. Nothing to do. No 'special' about it. And much less magic when I'm getting prodded half the time at Dr's appointment.

It's no longer my gift from being at work. It wasn't a prize I deserved.

It's just another day, same old shit. Nothing to do but watch TV or do Art.


Everyday is exactly the same.


It's so boring it's depressing.

I'm gonna go do some art now. And smoke a cig. Maybe Txt someone.

And, tomorrow, from around ten am to 3am will be exactly the same.

(Unless Maria calls.)

----------------------------------------

I watch him play guitar while I smoke, write, and paint. I multi-task well.

His back is turned to the room. He's facing the dresser. It's been a while since he's picked up his guitar.

Today, while cleaning the bedroom, I put it away. After a while he noticed I had moved it.

I told him that, before, he'd leave his guitar out all the time. But he'd play it all the time. The placement of the instrument would change every few hours. Sometimes in a day or two. I saw the practicality of it and I loved watching and listening to him play. We'd sit around and he'd sing and make up songs.

It was nice, so a guitar just lying around the house didn't bother me at all. He'd put it away to take with us if we were going on a drive, on a walk, camping, or adventuring.

Now it just sits at the same spot all the time. For weeks. So I put it in its case today.

His eyes slightly watered. He looked at the guitar.

'That's sad...'

I nodded.

Told him I missed it.

Now he's beating at the strings, his fingers only the slightest of clumsy, stringing different sounds to make a myriad of tunes.

Practice.

In every twang you can feel his sadness. In his reflection in the mirror, where I can only see his face, he looks determined.

I think he's depressed too and he's trying to play his joy back.

Court his muse with a tune and ask her to whisper joy into his ears as he plays once more.

I can't forget I am a sole architect I built the shadows here I built the growl in the voice I fear.

I know that man's going to be my death! But I'm not sick of shadows. I can see the light as it comes through the curtains. I can feel the wind on my face. I've been waiting for the day I die. Besides, I've been told I'll die before I'm old. I watch the stars rain and I laugh. He'll see my face in a different place. And love will still weigh more than the feather my heart should be to gain entrance through the Gates.

Keep me and then leave me to bleed. If looks could kill wouldn't need all the Pills. Swallowed hole and out of reach. Unsafe enough for now.

Sex talk is a secret language. Where your body is a sentence.
Girls who wear their thongs higher than their pants;
'I'm here, I want sex, from anyone.'

Where the act of eating an ice cream cone says;
'Take me, I'll make your dreams come true.'

Brush of the hands;
'I wanna touch you.'

A quiet giggle;
'I like you.'

A longing look;
'I need you.'

The way she looks up at you while she's taking a drink;
'Tonight is the night.'

All contact and aftertaste. It's like I'm still waiting for the wounds to heal. Stopping your heart from Hate

Do you think all the pages removed from the holy text have been forgotten in history? Or are they hidden and kept under hand and key in some temple in Tibet?

What's Going to happen when one of the million messiahs comes down and tells us everything else is a lie? What if he's not your messiah? Will he set the world aflame? Or live amongst us? Will he once again be lost and forgotten in time?

What if they all came down from the heaves and hells. Declaring Men gods for creating them? Would we use them like we used the crusades? Will we ascend in through? Would we suppress them like slaves? Or use them as weapons in Holy Wars against our own kind? Being they of our own creation?

Would they revolt and overthrow us? Would they kill all us greedy and selfish humans? Or would we change places and then fade away as the historians of our creations forgot some of us existed? Would we war with them? Or open them up to see their insides?

I crossed my fingers, but I didn't beg. Cause I knew you knew, I knew you knew I liked you. I knew you knew it.

Post-Puerto Rico
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[Attempt at...] Ramblings of the head.

"He said I'm leaving

I said Love is such a rare thing that people just throw away.

He said How's that make me feel any better about us?

I said Well how do you know what love is without ever having loved before?

He says I've never loved anyone like I love you.

I said Well if you leave, someday you will.

But in my head, I'm looking at his guitar, imagining it not there.

And I hate the thought."

[Fragments of ramblings]

"I remember thinking boys were kind.
Warm like pumpkin pies.""

"Uncomfortable silences are real languages that are felt, not spoken."

"They have us surrounded!
Men with tanks all around us!
Holding us at bay with their guns!"

"You can hear them all dying in your head. And yet there you sit, laughing at the man with all the snarky political jokes. He's telling you the truth, feeding it to your cornea.
And there you sit, laughing at all the people dying behind the kingdom of the U.S motherfucking A."

"Awake! Arise! Or be forever fallen."

"Green painted over by red.
War in the fields of Earth."

[Attempt at Lyrics] Mother never told me boys were evil.

Never told me they put on masks.
Entertain you as if they were actors in some play.

Change who they are, the things they say. Cover up their faces with visions of candy mountains and whipped cream streams.

Never told me they'd be your lapdog for as long as you'd show them a bit of teet.

They'll tell you lies that flow from lips dipped and readied in poisonous fruit.

I'd pick up the pieces every time
Say it was alright.
Boys were alright
I just needed to be a better woman
To do better
Needed to be the perfect girl.

(...Incomplete....)

[Self Given/Written] Speeches...Poetry?

"Now, speaking hypothetically here, if humans had souls, do you think we'd earn them? Or, like genetics, we get little pieces of a soul from whomever it is that made us?

Are we manufactured? Some biotic machine capable of thoughts and logic?

Do things like love and hate come bred into us as part of our mainframe?

Or is it society that slowly creeps these feelings into us? Like some sort of bug, a piece of spyware?

Are souls created from hardships and good times? Maybe our souls are earned through the passage of time.

We can't be one without a two. And certainly can't be a two without a three."

***

"Having a soul is much like learning to fly."

"I felt like I shed my soul somewhere.
I can't seem to find it. So I gave myself up to the Guillotine.
Told the man behind the mask to do as he please.

Looked me up and down and said to me
You're looking in all the wrong places,
I don't think I'm the man who you'd like me to be.

He dropped his axe and gave me his back.
Left me alive and freezing to death.
World is number and colder once you've shed your soul.

I kicked off my shoes and smashed my eyes with a big sharp stone.

Went for a walk down a muddy road
Decided to let it come to me.

Like a magnet, people came.
Like animals huddling for warmth.
Empty and Empty still's a bunch of nothing.

Had lost my eyes and my feet were numb.
Sat on a curb, trying to figure it out.
Resting my body, licking my wounds.
Letting my soul catch up.
Perhaps it was lost, wherever it was.

Sat for so long, thought I was done.
Maybe my soul had found a better sidekick than I.
A lover who gave more.
A person who was stronger to hold such a brilliant thing such as it.

The sounds came as a surprise,
swept me up and took me for a ride.

Here I sat; eyeless, dirty, and pretty goddamn soulless.

Man says yes, puts my hands on the keys and says
'Play.'

Maybe all humans have the capacity to play.
But none had ever
With words and music alone
woven me a soul to keep."

End
................................................................................................

I think that's all I can find for the night. That was pretty fun. I liked being able to re-read and re-write all those oldies. Archive them and such. Now I'm gonna go ahead and post pictures. Some are of my art, but most will be of the pipes my husband is currently carving.

Voodoo Spunk Art.

There's Beauty in the Breakdown- I like to pretend there's an audience...

So, these are a few things I've written over the last few months. We just recently moved back to Puerto Rico (my husband is a CA native and I had been living there for 4 years.)

I didn't have a PC since UPS kinda broke my monitor. But regardless I'd still write the old way. Paper and pen. Just figured I'd pass it onto my online journal. For archives sakes.

After this I'll be posting some art on my Voodoo Spunk Art blog.


Prologue to Puerto Rico

.............................................................................................

[Attempt at...] Random thought.

We're like ghost trains going into the middle of no where.

[Attempt at] Song lyrics.

"Keep telling me you're lost and fucking confused.

If you ask me for directions, I'd tell prolly tell you to turn left. 'Cause you're never gonna be right.

But in all truth, girl.
All you need is to walk.
Walk a straight line, tie down your life line. And don't worry if you stray. Cause we all do.
We all fucking do.

The Path is a bit winding,
and the forest a bit distracting.
With its lights reflecting off the dew.

All you gotta do is remember
you got you life line toed down, secure.
Nice and firm.

Path's mot going anywhere.
you only have yourself to blame
for venturing into the wolves den,
the lions mouth.

You don't need no directions girl. But if you were to ask,
I'd tell you to go left. Cause, babe, you're never gonna be right.

And a loser like me, girl, sure as hell doesn't have answers
for a beautiful being like you.

Oh babe, all I can tell you is that
the road ahead is full of pot holes
and under construction signs.

A detour here and there.
Maybe a trap or two.

You draw your own map. like some Etrian Odyssey.

There will be vendors as the side of the road,
and people dancing naked 'tween trees.

But don't get distracted
Can't ask for directions.
We're the creators.
We're the architects.
We're the geographers and cartographers of our own winding maze of a road.

'Cause if you were to ask for directions
Oh, if you wanna ask for directions.
Ask a loser like me for directions.
Girl' I'd tell you to go Left.
Us humans are never right."

[An attempt at Poetry] An ode to the Endless - Delight

In a soul so cold I lie in wait
This void, this hole easting, writhing
My breath gone, a sigh escaped
through lips so numb.

Morning has not come in days gone. Reigning darkness in, soul so void, empty, cold.

Before the world was a world
Before breathe was breath
Before even gods were born.

There were the endless.
First of the endless there was death.
For death and life were both things of mortality.

Then there was dream
As humans lived and dies
The, and other creatures, dreamed.

And as they dreamed, they learned of Delight.
Delight was born of dreams and life and joy.
She was beautiful, brilliant.
All that made others so very happy
She was an incarnation of.

At first humans found delight in all things.
Then, humans found destruction, desire, despair.
War, Pain, Suffering, Lust.
All things that are human.
Decadent, apathetic, selfish and uncaring.

Desire began fading.
Her skin became pale.
Her eyes the color of melted lollipops.
For when humans forgot gods,
even the endless would fade.

For a long time, delight wept.
Her golden hair torn from her scalp.
Lips the wet of fish,
toenails soft as paper.

And as the flowers in her hair withered.
Delight becomes delirium.
Delight becomes Delirium.

[Attempt at] Poetry

Walking in the fog,
through the apple trees

Bird came down,
hovered over me for a second
'fore landing on my shoulder.

It had feather like no other
and the eyes of human kind.

Opening its big fleshy beak.
"Woulds you happen to know, sire, which way south might be?"

Looking left.
Looking right.
Fog for days
ripe apples like bleeding hearts.

I've little sense of direction,
my dear phoenix.
I've given myself to the fog.
You and I live in two different dimension

During PR.
................................................................................................

Beach: Pi~ones.

'No matter WHAT you NEVER hit a bitch holding a baby.
Even if she just slapped you across the face in front of a million people at the beach.'

'Never EVER put Kool-Aid in a water dispenser. - GHETTO!'

Myrkle. Defined:

1. Unicorns are man made.
2. I CAN WALK! yelled in front of a man that is visibly and very handicapped.
3. Maria Isabelle

Onions. Defined:

1. 'I hate onions and I hate you!'
2. Chelsie Sisk.
3. 'Hanyanarisa.'

[Notes on Novel/Comic/Short stories] A'leon & Kirai - The Meeting

A'leon and Kirai meet @ a bar. She's playing music and dancing at a bar.
A'leon is at the bar drinking while she's dancing around the tables. She's pick poketing. He notices. They lock eyes for a second. She smiles and dances over to him even though she knows she has to leave soon.
He's wearing his monacle so he can see through her disguise of a human.

As she dances around him the music stops. She bows to the crowd and sits by him. They talk for a bit (she mentions she loves his hat, makes some slight remarks about it in jest). As the convo is getting interesting a man stands up and calls Kirai a thief. She laughs.

'That's my que, see you 'round commandant.'

She winks at him and runs out.

She runs out hurriedly,a mob of men right after her. A'leon pays for his drink and follows, watching.

She turns into an alley and transforms to herself (Tall. About 6 ft tall. Red in skin colour where there are scales and dark tan skin where there are none. Long whippish tail, small fangs, curved horns like that of a goats, golden eyes that are almond shapped, the iris like that of a cat.)

A man sees the change, startled, she does the first thing that comes into instincts and pulls out her sword. She fights him off quickly, but witht he time lost other men have seen her original form as well. The chase continues.

She's in a building now. With her sword sheathed and a riffle at hand now. In her other hand, a pistol, with her second one at the ready. She shoots at the oncoming horde of angry and drunken men. She's cornered, not enough time to reload any of her weapons. There's a window behind her.

As the men talk about raping her (filthy demon) a grenade flies in through the window behind her. Someone down bellow shouts "JUMP!" in celestial.

She jumps out the window. She flies/falls down as fire and smoke escape through the window, the room exploding witht he men within.

A'leom catches her in his arms.

'I knew you'd come in handy!' She says, smiling as if she had it all under control and was not one bit worried. About the men, about the rape, about the fall. He checkles and sets her down. The authorities chase after them.

They finally manage to escape the authorities (they disguised and hid at an upper class inn).
Here, they talk some more, here, they dance to music. Here, she takes his hat from his head and sets it on hers for the first time. Grinning up at him and winking.

[Attemp at notes comic/novel/short story/ies] A'leon and Kirai - Goodbyes

They make love. (By now they have been lovers and partners in crime for a while. Never actually expressing their love.)

He gets a letter in the middle of the night about leaving on a ship in the morning to join the revolution. The Rebellion to take back their/his country. To return to it as their own once more. She reads it and wants to go. They celebrate the rebellion with wine. He puts sleeping potion in hers.

In the morning she awakens to find him gone, all but his hat left where his head would usually rest. She runs to the docks and arrives as the ship/galleon is just leaving. She can see him on board. (He had been waiting for her, almost. Not conciously, but his eyes searched for her mostly than looking at the port and what he'd be leaving for the months on ahead.

She shouts, shouts his name. He ignored her, although he can hear her. Her voice loud and shrill in anger and desperation. A tinge of cold heartedness and a whole lot of pain. Sadness. He can only imagine her fear. That he might not come back. But it was for the best. She would not be safe. It would not be the logical choice to bring her. Not for him. Not for her.

She sings their song into their message rings. He listens for a moment, hesitating before smashing it into pieces. This way she won't track him. This way she won't find a way to follow. But secretly, this way he won't think about her all the time.

Authorities catch her. She's put into jail where she meets a necromancer and a kobold and a woman. Amazonian looking.

The Necromancer says that as long as they agree to help him he will set them all free.
Eventually, they agree and make a blood pact.

The Kobold is a wizard, the woman is a fighter/seductress.

The necromancer's servant sets them free. They escape the authorities and travel to the necro's homeland.

Adventures including fighting off the authorities, guards, and a band of kobolds happens in between getting to his homeland. Traveling through mines and Kirai acquiring two pets/followers/friends/body guards. Gnolls who think of her as their alpha female (who gives them shinies and is nice to them).

Meeting a dark Celestial within Necro's homeland. A knight whom Kirai grows interested in. More out of curiosity. Adventures continue.

[Attempt at Notes comics/novel/short story/ies] A'leon and Kirai - Reunions

Eventually A'leon finds Kirai and joins them to watch over her. Kirai is pissed and not talking to him. Making snide remarks and pointedly being harsh with him. A'leon takes it all in cool stride, trying to cope and understand her anger and frustration. Gives her space. They are happy and make love only the first night.
Only in battle do they show affection or any sort of true communication. As they've learned how to be excellent partners in battle.

[Secret]
The Necro is trying to build a gollem to conquer his homeland.

[Secret]
The Kobold is trying to revive a black dragon to take back to his country and let the dragon conquer the world.

[Secret]
The woman is a pit gladiator slave runaway like Kirai, trying to find her place in the 'normal' world and not get caught again by slave masters from The Sand Pits.]

[Planing for a Party/Art project] Mask Party where we make masks for all invited. The masks will be of Animals that we think represent that individual.

Virgil- Fox
Hannah- Cat
Logan- Raven
Ryan- Wolf
Laguna- Racoon
Myself- Lion
Doddy- Owl?
Ashley- ?
Steve Sisk - Gorilla
Levi- ?
Katrina- ?
Angie & Mike - Bear
Reyna- Koi fish? Swan?
Andy- Falcon?
Emily- Panda
Marisa- Day of the dead?

Break
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This is of course not the complete list of people that we will invite. Just the first people we were working on mask ideas for. Others will come in the future. Sadly, we're stuck here for a while so we will have plenty of time (which is a good thing).

There are, of course, more things I've written. But right now I have finished my second cup of coffee and I must go get cigarettes. I am out and it is painful. So when I get back I'll make another blog post with -hopefully- the rest of what I've written since my arrival on the island.

Maybe even some of the before stuff, if I find any that is.